e3It’s that time of the year again, where awkward stage presentations aim to build up our dreams for the year ahead of our favourite past time. We get up early or stay up late in the hope of witnessing a big surprise, a major announcement or, finally, the return of an old favourite. We bet on how often people talk up their ‘amazing visuals’ or ‘wondrous storytelling’, knowing full-well that most of said titles can’t live up to that expectation. There’s no doubt E3 holds a special place in everyone’s hearts, for more than the obvious reasons…

Thing is, these days most of the big surprises are spoilt for us. Such is the internet, a quick and easy way to steal some limelight and get the word out well ahead of time. We already know that major console announcements are upon us, that the term ‘VR’ will drench the airwaves, that Nintendo will try their best to hide everything related to the NX until they’re ready (whenever that is). Surely there aren’t many surprises left in store for us this year?

Whether Sony can pull off another big presentation is just one possibility, but we here at PN2 decided to delve into the most unlikely, most absurd possibilities for E3 2016 in what we’re calling ‘UNLIKLE3 WEEK”.

Tim knows his presentations well, whether it’s the loud music, the fancy words, the weird presenter who’s only there because there was a pay cheque involved. It’s like an unwritten rule. Anyway, what does Tim think might (not) happen on stage this year?

NINTENDO

Fans are excited for the official reveal of the next iteration in Nintendo’s successful line of consoles, the NX, and a release date for the machine has been slated for March of 2017. But Nintendo has decided to skip ahead of the NX, and announce a successor to the system already, codenamed the SUPER NX’T U.

While Sony and Microsoft are looking into the virtual reality markets, Nintendo has decided to leap forward into the technological singularity. Essentially allowing players to augment their minds and bodies into the SUPER NX’T U and give rise to the next evolution in gaming. This will have fans salivating at the chance to dungeon crawl in the land of Hyrule as Link, or explore the Mushroom Kingdom as Mario, collecting coins and stomping on Goombas and Koopa Troopas.

SONY

pachinkoWith the announcement that Konami is releasing a Metal Gear Solid 3 Snake Eater pachinko machine, Sony, in collaboration with Hideo Kojima, will confirm they have identified that this is a potentially profitable market not being filled in the US and Europe.

They’ll launch a series of the ever popular and controversial pinball slot machines, using all of our much-beloved franchises, such as God of War, Little Big Planet, and Uncharted, by 2017. And a series of retro titles will hit the market a year later, which will include Crash Bandicoot, Cool Boarders, and Ridge Racer!!! (Rumoured to cost 599 US dollars). Hideo Kojima himself will make the announcement, wearing a mask that resembles all of our childhood’s being crushed.

MICROSOFT

Not to be upstaged, Microsoft also has a big announcement. To compete with Apple’s virtual assistant Siri, Microsoft has been working on an assistant of their own, since 2009. Following the successful implementation of the UNSC’s artificial intelligence Cortana, she is now the virtual assistant for the Windows 10 desktop and phone operating systems.

Microsoft will announce the next step in her evolution. They will update the Xbox One with the ability to project her right into your home, so she can provide commentary on all of your daily tasks and chores, without administering any real help what so ever. With a similar role as Fallouts Mr. Handy, she may not be as useful, but I’m sure her jokes will be up to par.

UBISOFT

Known for overblowing the hype of their new IP’s into a fever pitch, like Watchdogs in 2012 or Tom Clancy’s The Division in 2013, I predict Ubisoft will come good, and deliver on their promise to release these graphical phenomenon’s that they have promoted in the past. The re-releases of these games will include all the concepts displayed in their early trailers. No cuts, downgrades or missing game mechanics.

The stage will be very reminiscent of a Dark Zone extraction point, and right before the very end of the conference, just like the rope attached to my extraction helicopter, Ubisoft will go rogue and cut my hopes and dreams once again, turning the show into a complete farce, essentially flipping the bird to the entire audience.

BETHESDA

E3_ZORKBethesda has a history of rejuvenating old and forgotten titles, by applying a fresh coat of paint while still maintaining their lore and retro experience for the current generation of gamers.

I believe their big announcement will be, to add more titles to their growing list of lost games. Starting with a complete remake of Zork, transforming the text-based trilogy into a first person perspective adventure game. A gameplay demo will be shown and will have no graphics … at all. Like the original, the player will navigate their way in total blindness, only the written white text of the items and equipment found during the quest, will break up the pitch black screen.

Honestly, this one doesn’t sound like a half bad idea to me (Agreed – Ed).

//

Tim Pearce is a freelance journalist and contributor to PN2.

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