It’s that time of the year again, where awkward stage presentations aim to build up our dreams for the year ahead of our favourite past time. We get up early or stay up late in the hope of witnessing a big surprise, a major announcement or, finally, the return of an old favourite. We bet on how often people talk up their ‘amazing visuals’ or ‘wondrous storytelling’, knowing full-well that most of said titles can’t live up to that expectation. There’s no doubt E3 holds a special place in everyone’s hearts, for more than the obvious reasons…
Now it’s Mike’s turn to take the mike … ugh … the stand, for his take on ULIKLE3 and his outlandish and totally not going to happen predictions. Be warned though, you’re probably not going to like his suggestions. Well, unless you like Porn, Half-Life and Table Tennis, then you’re probably going to like his suggestions…
The Rockstar Announcement
The buzz around the internet suggests at E3 Rockstar will announce Red Dead Redemption 2: Red Dead Harder, although Rockstar has a tendency to subvert expectations. I don’t doubt Red Dead will get a sequel; it just won’t be anytime soon. This E3 we can expect a sequel to Rockstar’s smash hit Table Tennis. Set in Vice City during the 80’s, Table Tennis will be a simple game, like pong but in high definition. It will feature classic music tracks from the decade, including Michael Jackson’s Billy Jean and Phil Collin’s Easy Lover.
Rockstar will take full advantage of their back catalog of games by including fan favourite characters Trevor, John Marsten, James Earl Cash from Manhunt and the guy from The Warriors who shouts “Can You Dig It!” There will be no female playable characters. The table tennis stadiums will be lined with hieroglyphics that are never explained and the sexual content will result in the game being refused classification in Australia.
Nintendo Makes A Good Decision
At E3 Nintendo announce that they are bowing out of the hardware market and will instead become a third party developer. Like Sega in the early 2000’s except with a lot more IP’s to work with. There’s no shame in it either, in fact Nintendo would start raking in the dollars if they announced ports of the new Zelda, Mario Kart 8 and Super Smash Bros Brawl to Xbox One and PS4. Then there’s the potential for a broader Amiibo market and console exclusive versions. Nathan Drake or Master Chief Amiibos anyone? Nintendo have been struggling for a while. This would immediately fix most of their problems.
VR Porn (Like Regular Porn, Only Better)
There will be a porn booth at E3, that’s a fact. What I predict is that it becomes the most popular booth of 2016 and the most popular booth of all time … also the stickiest, but that’s, in a way, rather obvious.
Porn is popular, very popular. 35% of all downloads are porn related and each month porn sites receive more traffic than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined. What we can take from those statistics is that people like porn. So what happens when VR makes porn even more immersive? Well I believe it will lead to the downfall of society and eventually the end of the world. Not zombies, aliens or a long overdue Mayan prophecy, but VR porn will bring about the apocalypse.
Valve Announce Half-Life 3, Available That Day & Free!
12 years since Half-Life 2 was released. Can you imagine how many death threats Valve employees must have received over that time? I mean, if a journalist can receive them just for not liking a popular game, than Gabe Newell must be receiving them all the time. A man can only take so much. So Gabe fast-tracked the development of HL3, to be released the day of the announcement and to be available for free. That’s the only way to avoid complaints. The catch? It’s a 54gb download.
Mike Vane is a freelance writer at PN2. He will probably be sleeping instead of live Tweeting E3. Although he occasionally has interesting things to say @DrVane